Google Verb

Based on an old vlogbrothers video and in lieu of actual content I will Google my name and a verb and comment on the results. One of these days actual content may happen. Stay tuned.
Also hover your mouse on the links. I'm trying something.

Alan needs ... a new pair of shorts. [1]
I can't really agree with Google here. I rarely wear shorts [2] and the pair I have are in good condition. I think I win this one. Even though it's not a competition.

Alan looks like ... someone who skinned some guy and is wearing the face

I think I'll let this one stand on its own.

Alan says ... in The Hangover
Google, this is not a complete sentence. Naughty Google.
The top result is "Every line Alan says in The Hangover". Now I haven't seen it but seen as we share a name he must be really cool and inspirational and witty to have people searching the internet for his every word.
What's that? He's Zach Galifianakis's character.
And in the third one he's in a mental home.

Alan wants ... to be a rockstar
This is a video of a Claymation Tyrannosaurus named Alan singing to Nickleback's song Rockstar.
He seems quite passionate about it. Too bad he can't play guitar with those tiny arms. That really puts a damper on his career.[3] Also putting a damper on his career; extinction.

Alan does ... n't understand her
First line of a song called Chocolate Girl by Deacon Blue (who I remember for this). The titular Alan sounds like a jerk.[4]

Alan hates ... Stevia Soda
Alan is quite passionate on this topic but doesn't offer much in the way of constructive criticism. At least it's not killing him like Splenda is.

Alan asks ... Monica out to dinner
A clip recorded on VHS of US soap General Hospital. I was kind of hoping for something better here. I can't even tell which one is Alan. Well not from the audio anyway. The description for the video goes into so much detail about the plot that I'm pretty sure what's going on.
The best part?
"They discuss Tiffany, who was poisoned by evil Faison with deadly virus. Faison uses virus to control Tiffany's husband, Sean Donely, by giving Sean monthly antidote for Tiffany."
I now have a replacement for my Coronation Street addiction. Even at his worst Richard never gave Ashley monthly antidotes for the crowbar he poisoned[5] Maxine with.

Alan likes ... movies
Well I say movies but the only one he posted about is Inglourious Basterds. It got three out of fours stars. I hope he updates more. I hate it when people don't update their blog.[6]

Alan eats ... fruity pebbles
And without milk. Because of his lactose intolerance. Personally I would have opted for a non-cereal-type foodstuff. Sooooo dry.

Alan wears ... school uniform[7]
Another clip from a soap. This time from Home and Away. And while the clip is more interesting than "Alan asks Monica out to dinner" it doesn't top bending someone to your will via the distribution of doses of antidote.

Alan was arrested for ... selling drugs and sentenced to 15 years to-life in a maximum-security prison.
Luckily for Alan Gompers his arrest led to a spiritual awakening and a change of life.

Here however someone else was playing the same game and hit paydirt.
Alan was arrested for killing Hobos. Since no one cares about Hobos, they gave him 30 days probation and sent him on his way.

Alan was arrested for being unlawfully in an enclosed yard.

Alan was arrested for having a joint

Alan was arrested for kicking a German staff car and only released after he convinced the Gestapo that he was English.
I was unlawfully enclosed in a yard once. I say yard. It was a bathroom. And I say unlawfully but it was more like the lock broke.

Alan loves ... girls.
More accurately Unfortunately the website is down. Alan may have loved girls but not enough to keep up payments on the domain name that professed it.

What a pity this has ended on a sad note. I need a little something to cheer me up. I'm thinking more General Hospital plot summaries.
One of these storylines involved the culmination of the feud between the Spencer and Cassadine families, a storyline which had begun in 1981 when Luke and Laura infamously defeated Mikkos Cassadine's weather machine and had been revived in 1996. The storyline (dubbed as 'Endgame'), called for Mikkos's widow, Helena to revive her dead son Stavros (who had been frozen through the use of cryogenics, and threaten the Spencers and the rest of Port Charles with a bio-toxin.
If this plot appeared anywhere outside a comic no one would believe it.
I have a new favourite show.
[1] Technically the first result was a Facebook page for Alan Needs but where's the humour there?
[2] Because my legs are an unholy shade of pale. And pretty hairy.
[3] But apparently not his ability to upload Youtube videos.
[4] Also a tit. Ha ha. Wordplay.
[5] Poisoned. Hit repeatedly over the head with. They're pretty much the same thing.
[6] *sound of crickets chirping*
[7] Not counting the phone listings for twelve different Alan Wears. Silly Google. That's a noun, not a verb.